The sudden realization of the fact that I need to spend more time alone appreciating and loving myself thoroughly has hit me. Silence will basically do it’s job in expressing and showing how much of an introvert I really am and how afraid I am to open up to the world. The fact that one can know so much yet know so little about me is absolutely astonishing for I can believe with my own eyes and heart and soul that I’ve done my task in being two different people in this world. Not of a two faced person, more of a split personality which tends to be under appreciated at times.
The fact that I have been trying to live up to so many people’s expectations of how I should act and how my personality should be like has been suffocating me. It’s as if it is a battle between my life and what the world wants and it isn’t an easy path or road to be on. People tend to say that “be yourself fuck what others think of you”. Well if only reality was that easy and if only I could live up to everyone’s expectations while not disappointing myself in any aspects, god knows I’d be the happiest female on this planet.
Knowing that you’re not the most wanted one amongst your group of friends also made me withdraw myself from the society and world. For I believe that now I am more keen in making myself happy before making others happy. Pleasing and maintaining others’ happiness will be my least priority, if I try to make it, for this is going to be a mind battling game. I have tried many different ways to at least make myself feel wanted but I knew that deep down this isn’t a genuine feeling. This feeling has been built over lust, compliments and words of disappointment. Things which I have been trying to avoid at all costs.
Many of the things I have done has intoxicated me, the people I have met destroyed me be it personality wise nor be it my physical being and my mental state. I am not proud of the things I have done to make myself feel wanted, feel loved nor feel noticed by at least the society and the people around me. I realize that everyone is unique in their own ways, and that the society nowadays is just that fucked up to not explore the different aspects and venture into the different comfort zones of the different human beings that actually exist on this worldly earth along with them right now.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see the same people meeting the same type of personality over and over again. It’s as if this world has lost it’s touch in developing and creating new beings that are not afraid to be themselves and to actually speak out and speak their minds. How sad is it to see another copy of ourselves walking down the street just that they are dressed up differently and that they may have different features, however what’s deep down is mostly the same as the others that just walked past you along the streets.
We lack so much of self worth that we’re forgetting who we are and what is our real sole purpose. We tend to try and please others so much when we aren’t happy ourselves thus I mentally destroyed myself by letting others do it. I allowed them to destroy me. Honestly it is my fault it is all our fault. Opening up and pleasing the wrong people for the different purposes.
Thus withdrawing myself away from all the negativity that has tried to bring me down; the different people that has destroyed me is by far the best for me. Allowing myself some time to recollect myself and put back all the different pieces all together will make things better. Not for long but for a short while, enough time for me to try and be happy. The tiny things such as reading, sitting at a coffee shop, things I have been doing most for the past few months has allowed me to recollect the different moments and things that I have missed in life due to my own selfish desires and my childish thinking of pleasing others before myself.
Learning to love myself now is rather important for me. Though I have lost a lot for the past few months, be it people, self worthiness or even my own feelings which then made me feel numb for a few solid months. I have degraded myself in many different ways, which I am rather upset about. Being a young adult in this fast developing world, with different mindsets and different age groups all trying to make something work in this world has made nothing but one huge solid mess.
Nothing’s more shameful than degrading your self worth, and I have reached that point where I am nothing but a pile of shame. I lost the idea of loving myself, I forgot what it’s like to be okay with who I am in my own body anymore. However I am ready to try and recollect myself and strive to the top once again. Thus I am withdrawing myself from things, people and feelings for a few short months.